so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
