i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm just crazy horny about you
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
