drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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