ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
