I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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