Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
