the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
