i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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