we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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