Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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