Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
