My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
