so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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