I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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