Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
