in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
