three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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