So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
