god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
