What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
