why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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