Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Someone shattered a urinal.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
