I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
