I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
