Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
