she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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