I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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