My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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