I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
