Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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