So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
