Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
