Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
