I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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