I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
