Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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