I feel like abortions should bother me more
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
