You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
