dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Randomize
