Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
