I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
