When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
