Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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