Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
