Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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