let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
