What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
