ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
