What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
