Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
