So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
