you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
